Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
