in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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