I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
