Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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