she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize