i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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