My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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