New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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