I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Boobs are out for the taking
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
