Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize