At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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