Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
