I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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