i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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