Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
babies were throwing up all over the place
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize