Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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