Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
