Jerry, you need to find god
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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