I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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