how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
