My first STD was from a foam party
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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