So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
