mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
jump out the window naked night went bad
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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