So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i believe in u and ur pee
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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