what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
