The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
