I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just googled if crying burns calories
We talked him into tasing himself.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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