well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
