Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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