it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
