My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
