Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
