I think i peed on brittanys purse
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
