It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
