well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
