I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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