after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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