Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
