Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
where are my eyebrows?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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