At least make sure they are 18
Why
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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