my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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