My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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