Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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