Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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