I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
