someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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