am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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