I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
