The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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