and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
