You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
