Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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