dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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