This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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