Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize