he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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