a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
