I accidentally burped into my bong.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
